Should have been

I find myself thinking about what “should have been” a lot lately and I absolutely hate it.

We used to have fun with the phrase “shoulda-been.” In fact, every year we celebrate Sadie’s “shoulda-been” birthday on January 24th. You see, that was her due date – the day when she should have been born. But God had different plans and she was born on November 14th. Whenever January 24th rolled around, it was a way for us to recognize Sadie’s prematurity, but also celebrate how far she had come.

Now, every “should have been” thought is making me cry.

The past couple of months, I should have been clearing out Sadie’s playroom and turning it into Celia’s nursery.

Last week, I should have been 38 weeks pregnant.

Today, I should have been sitting uncomfortably in my office desk chair working to prepare for my maternity leave.

And I know, unfortunately, I’ll be thinking of a lot more “should have beens” in the coming days, weeks and months.

My birthday, coming up on June 12th, should have been the day Celia was born.

It sucks.

I used to love the month of June. Everything awesome happened in June. My birthday. The end of school. The beginning of summer. The Pine Island Cheese Festival. My anniversary. And this June, I can’t help but think of what should have been

I’m struggling. I’m trying to let go of the “should have been,” so that I can accept “what is.”

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4 Responses to Should have been

  1. Kristin says:

    God exists both in the should-have and in the what-is. Time means nothing to Him. Unfortunately, time does mean something to us. You have every right to feel those should-have-beens, painfully and deeply. It does suck not to have Celia with us now. Forgive the vulgarity, but it sucks giant, nasty balls. And it’s simply not fair. “When I get to Heaven, I’m going to go find Job. I’m going to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows.” – Sara Groves

    • Kristin says:

      Please strike the “Forgive the vulgarity, but it sucks giant, nasty balls.” I was trying to make you laugh but upon rereading it, it’s just inappropriate.

  2. Dad says:

    There is no question you have been through a lot and endured too much heartache and loss. I would encourage you to rethink “should of”. The word “Should” implies your expectation of an outcome. Very seldom does anything ever work out exactly as we expect. And as a result you are setting up for failure.

    Sadie’s arrival early “shouldn’t” have happened, but it did. Yet today there is nothing to indicate that her early gift to the world isn’t a absolute success. That delightful child is a product of all her experiences and probably exceeds any “should ofs” out there.

    Nor do I think one ought to think in terms is “could” or “would” have. These words imply regret.

    It is vital to have hopes and dreams, goals and ambitions, but please think of them as something to strive or reach for, not something that “should” occur.

    I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, “Life Happens”. Too often, bad things happen to good people. (And vice versa).

    You are an incredibly strong woman and have used these life experiences in positive ways. ( March of Dimes for example). Pray for the courage and will to change your “should have” to “might be”.

    God bless you Jana!

    You have my love and respect always.

  3. Liz says:

    Nothing profound to say just sending hugs and prayers your way.

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