Should have been

I find myself thinking about what “should have been” a lot lately and I absolutely hate it.

We used to have fun with the phrase “shoulda-been.” In fact, every year we celebrate Sadie’s “shoulda-been” birthday on January 24th. You see, that was her due date – the day when she should have been born. But God had different plans and she was born on November 14th. Whenever January 24th rolled around, it was a way for us to recognize Sadie’s prematurity, but also celebrate how far she had come.

Now, every “should have been” thought is making me cry.

The past couple of months, I should have been clearing out Sadie’s playroom and turning it into Celia’s nursery.

Last week, I should have been 38 weeks pregnant.

Today, I should have been sitting uncomfortably in my office desk chair working to prepare for my maternity leave.

And I know, unfortunately, I’ll be thinking of a lot more “should have beens” in the coming days, weeks and months.

My birthday, coming up on June 12th, should have been the day Celia was born.

It sucks.

I used to love the month of June. Everything awesome happened in June. My birthday. The end of school. The beginning of summer. The Pine Island Cheese Festival. My anniversary. And this June, I can’t help but think of what should have been

I’m struggling. I’m trying to let go of the “should have been,” so that I can accept “what is.”

Posted in Celia | 4 Comments

You are His

I have been staring at this blank screen trying to find the words to share. There is so much that I could put in this post. I could write about this past Wednesday – the emotions and uncertainty unfolding in the ultrasound room. I could write about sitting by a phone in a small waiting room as we had been told the doctor needed to talk with us. I could write about the heart wrenching phone call that shared unthinkable news. I could write about the hours we spent in the perinatologist’s office. I could write about the tear-filled conversations with multiple doctors and counselors. I could write about every piece of medical information we’ve poured over the past few days. There’s so much I could write about… but there is really only one thing that needs to be shared:

We are parents to another beautiful girl. Her name is Celia Grace Cinnamon. For reasons we will never understand, she is going to be with her Father in Heaven. Our hearts ache, yet we trust in God’s promises.

“You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You’re beautiful.”




Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments

In a few days…

In a few days, a celebration will be held.

In a few days, something I have been planning for a while will finally come together.

In a few days, I will be surrounded by people who have loved and supported me.

In a few days, young and old will walk together.

In a few days, the city of Bloomington will see something wonderful.

In a few days, a race will be run.

In a few days, I will be filled with joy.

In a few days, it will be Rally Day!

Posted in Celebration, Church | Leave a comment

Capturing the Moments

I recently took up a new hobby–digital scrapbooking. As I have been sifting through thousands of pictures, I realize how few pictures I have of me and Sadie. I am usually the one holding the camera, taking the pictures, capturing the moments.

I’m always too critical of how I look in pictures. Was it a good hair day? Should I have been sucking it in more? Why did I wear THAT? And where the heck did that extra chin come from?

Oh well. Enough is enough.

I’ve made a point of handing the camera over to others the past couple of weeks… and I love that someone is there to capture these moments for me.

Posted in Me, Sadie | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Flower Girl

When my cousin Peter and  his fiance Kaitlyn asked Sadie if she would be a flower girl in their wedding, I was more excited than she was. She had no idea what being a flower girl meant and I was thrilled that my daughter would get the chance to be a flower girl. (I may still hold a tiny grudge that I never got the chance to be one.) I knew Sadie would be an adorable flower girl too. With her blonde curls and magnetic personality, I knew she’d make a fantastic addition to their wedding party.

My aunt Terry made Sadie’s flower girl dress and it was modeled after Kaitlyn’s beautiful gown. There were several fittings involved as Terry had to get measurements for our long and lean girl. All the while, Sadie still had no clue what this fancy white dress was about.

As the wedding date neared, I decided I better start prepping her on what it meant to be a flower girl, so I did what any normal Mom living in 2010 would do: I turned to YouTube. Sadie and I sat around one afternoon and watched dozens of YouTube videos featuring flower girls. Not surprisingly, many of the videos showed Sadie what NOT to do.

Finally, after much anticipation, the big day arrived. Sadie was a champ. She went swimming in the morning with my parents. This tuckered her out and allowed her to take an early nap. She woke up in time to eat some lunch, take a bath, and head to the church. She was excited to get into her fancy white dress again. She was even more excited when she saw Kaitlyn wearing a fancy white dress too!

In prime form, Sadie “hammed” it up throughout pictures. It will be interesting to see what kind of formal pictures the photographer got, because most of the time Sadie was saying “Cheese!” or “Cock-a-lotta-doo!” or “Happy Birthday!” She was definitely feeding off of the laughter from the rest of the wedding party. Besides a brief moment of whining for milk, Sadie was doing wonderfully. Perfectly. Splendidly.

That is… until about five minutes before she was supposed to walk down the aisle. She decided she had enough of it. She didn’t want to carry the basket. She didn’t want to walk. She didn’t want to do much of anything except find some water so that she could water the flowers in her basket. Of course.

Thankfully, the ring bearer was older… and more experienced. Which is not typically a good thing when you’re talking about a boy for your daughter, but in this case–it was perfect. I asked Sadie if she wanted to hold Ty’s hand and that managed to turn things around. She held his hand, grabbed on to her basket, and thankfully, was ready to go.

And here it is:

Ahh… she made it! She sat with me and Dan throughout the ceremony and was a perfect angel reading books and playing with her dolls. That was until I told her she needed to go back and walk up the aisle with Ty. She didn’t really want to go, so I told her, “Go up front and walk out with Ty okay? Then we can go get cake!” …. and it worked like a charm. She hopped out of my lap and walked back up the aisle.

It was an absolutely beautiful wedding and I am so thankful that Peter and Kaitlyn let us be a part of their special day.

It was fun for us to be able to attend the wedding as a family and look back on our own wedding day. We knew our love for each other would grow, but we could never have imagined the love we would feel for each other as parents.

It was fun for us to see Sadie in her element. She is such a people person. Outgoing. Fun. Spunky. I particularly love this picture of her.

I had told Sadie that there would be dancing and she was super excited for it. She told me once we arrived at the reception site, “I want to sing and dance, Mommy!” I managed to get her to hold out on the dancing for a while with the promise of cake again. Yum. But she could only last so long, she wanted to DANCE. “Um, excuse me sir… When is the dance going to start?”

And the music started… and she danced and danced.

And she fawned over Kaitlyn, “Take me home with you!”

“Really! We can be princesses together forever!”

It was a perfect day. Congratulations to Peter and Kaitlyn! And thank you for allowing our little princess to be a part of your magical day.

Posted in Celebration, Family, Sadie | Tagged , , | 1 Comment


I have been a lifelong fan of Amy Grant’s. Maybe she has an extra special place in my heart because she was the first person I ever saw in concert (MN State Fair Grandstand in the early 1990s to be exact). Anyway, I recently bought her new CD and had listened to it a few times. For some reason though, when I heard the second song–“Overnight”–on her CD again this past week the words spoke to me in a different way than before. Perhaps, it may be just what you need to hear too.

Posted in Me | Leave a comment


I’m feeling pretty guilty about neglecting my blog the past few weeks. When I first started this I was committed to writing at least 2 to 3 times a week. Although I’d like to make that happen, I had to realize that I can’t always do it all. Sometimes I have to say no and sometimes I have to say “enough is enough” for one day. I have a tendency to stretch myself pretty thin.

But even when life gets to a point three miles past Crazyville, I know I need to make time for me–carving out time in my day to fill my cup and to recharge my batteries. As a natural extrovert, I love to surround myself with friends and family during my free time. So although my blog, laundry, and the pile of dishes have been neglected lately–I found time to get together with some of my most favorite women in the world.

Alli, Carla and Kasey are friends from high school. It can be a challenge to find a time that fits all of our schedules, but we finally managed to get together for dinner this past weekend. We ate, gossiped, laughed and joked for several hours.

Since blogs are all about sharing, let me share with you some of the most memorable moments of the conversation. Who said what? I’m keeping that part a secret.

Talking about a guy none of us like: “He’s got to get his poop in a group.”

Gossiping about an ex-boyfriend: “He likes himself too much to kill himself.”

Talking about our dating days: “With Ben, I loved him… Well, I still love him by the way.”

On some friendships: “That’s a friendship I’m trying to get rid of.”

On why one of us shouldn’t ice skate (while pregnant): “It’s common sense. Plus, you have weak ankles.”

About a person that’s not in the right career: “Go be a farmer and pick rock.” Huh?!?

When someone told one of us they felt like a fourth wheel: “The fourth wheel? That’s a full car.”

And my personal favorite… after complaining about the city’s water, we were told to smell it: “Oh yep. It smells pretty watery. You would know it. It’s like water, but MORE.”

One thing to never neglect? Friendships.

Posted in Me | 1 Comment